Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you verbally responded “yes” but on the inside you were screaming “no?” Have you ever felt energetically drained after spending time with another person, but you can’t figure out why you feel that way?
These feelings may be indicative of a lack of boundaries or poorly enforced boundaries. Healthy boundaries in a relationship are guidelines that help define what is and isn’t considered okay behavior. Not only do they protect your time, energy, and well-being, but they also help form more respectful connections.
Why Boundaries Matter
Despite the term boundary sounding like it could be a negative wall, they are actually essential for mental health. Boundaries help reduce anxiety and prevent any burnout. When we don’t have boundaries, we risk overextending ourselves and feeling resentful. Within a relationship, it helps keep our sense of identity intact.
Boundaries aren’t about controlling the actions of others. They will help you take control over your livelihood, wants, needs, and limits. It’s like a fenced yard, you take care of your side of the yard.
How to Set Boundaries
While setting boundaries involves getting more comfortable with saying “no,” you should frame it as a way to show up for and say “yes” to yourself.
Identify Your Limits
Start by identifying what makes you feel uncomfortable, resentful, or anxious. These feelings are signals to yourself that a boundary is being crossed.
To get started, think about:
What types of behaviors cause you to feel drained
What you need more of in your daily life
What you need less of
Define Your Boundaries
Once you identify your limits, it’s important to define their specific terms clearly. If your boundaries are too vague, it will only lead to confusion and trouble with enforcing them.
Let’s say you’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and you need a bit of space. Rather than just asking for space, which can be vague, try saying you need 30 minutes of quiet time after work to regroup and release any stress from the day.
The clearer you are in your communication, the less guesswork other people will have to do.
Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively
Aggressive communication habits won’t lead to the most effective outcomes. Assertive communication, on the other hand, is more respectful and direct and has a better chance of succeeding.
In an instance where you need to address conflict or enforce a boundary, make sure you use “I” statements. This little habit will help de-escalate the situation and allow you to express your needs without placing blame on another person.
For example, “I feel anxious when I receive texts or notifications during my work meetings.” This statement does not give off an accusatory tone, but does inform the other party that you’re feeling anxious.
When having these conversations, avoid apologizing for your boundaries. You have nothing to be sorry for when practicing this form of self-care.
Anticipate Pushback
Not everyone is going to respond positively to your boundaries. This is especially true when they’re used to you always saying “yes” and being readily available. It’s a shift that requires some getting used to when it’s new.
Discomfort is part of the growth process. Stay firm in expressing what you need and what isn’t serving you. Don’t be afraid to repeat boundaries when necessary or feel like you need to justify your choices.
Reinforce and Adjust
Boundaries are going to be an ever-changing guideline. As you grow, your needs may start to shift. You need to practice revisiting and adjusting your boundaries consistently. Even if it’s just a brief check-in reflection.
If you’re having a hard time establishing or adjusting boundaries, or you have someone who repeatedly violates them, you may want to seek additional support in navigating this process. Anxiety therapy can help you explore patterns, practice effective communication habits, build healthier relationships, and reduce anxiety with coping strategies. If you’re interested in reading more, please click on the link above.
Contact me to explore your options!