Have you ever wondered why dating and relationships are so difficult? Are you someone who pushes other people away when they get too close? Or the opposite, do you cling tightly out of fear they will leave?
These patterns may be a direct result of attachment trauma. Understanding what causes these wounds is your first step in finding healing. What happened during your early childhood years was beyond your control. Here, we will explore the roots of attachment trauma in a way that gives more clarity.
It Begins with Foundational Relationships
Attachment trauma begins in our earliest relationships, often with a parent or caregiver. As young children, we rely fully on certain adults to fulfill our basic needs. When those needs are consistently neglected or go unmet, our brains adapt accordingly. We develop survival mechanisms in order to navigate a world that feels unsafe.
Attachment trauma can be the result of abuse or neglect, but may also stem from subtler experiences:
An emotionally absent parent
Caregivers who were inconsistent in responding to your needs
Adults who were too overwhelmed by their own struggles to assist you with yours
Situations where you had to act as a caregiver for your parents
Frequent separations in your important relationships
Your nervous system figured out a way to cope with your circumstances the best way it could. But what served you well in the past may now be limiting you in current relationships.
The Impact of Disrupted Safety
As children, it is natural for us to seek connection and security. Attachment trauma develops when your fundamental sense of safety is disrupted during these formative years.
This disruption teaches you to expect danger all around. Receiving inconsistent affection teaches you that closeness means unpredictability. Being met with withdrawal rather than comfort teaches that vulnerability may leave you feeling more alone. Each of these lessons contributes to the template for how you approach future relationships.
You may not notice these patterns right away. It could take some time to connect current issues with past experiences.
When Trauma Lives in Your Body
Attachment trauma is not just an emotional experience. It lives in your body as well. Tension in your chest, knots in your stomach, and shortness of breath when faced with conflict are all sensations in response to perceived danger.
Your body remembers what happened in your past, even if you don’t have clear memories. Healing from attachment trauma requires more than talking about it. There’s a somatic component that can help you reconnect with your body, creating safer experiences of connection.
The Role of Unresolved Parental Trauma
In some instances, attachment trauma can be passed down from one generation to the next. Parents who never healed their own wounds may struggle to provide appropriate care and security to their children. It’s not that they want to hurt you. They just never developed the proper tools to know how to effectively meet your needs.
Understanding this pattern can shift your perspective, allowing you to have more compassion towards your parents. You can acknowledge that they struggled while also recognizing that you deserve better.
Healing From Attachment Trauma
No matter what your experience is, your brain has an incredible capacity for change. Through therapy, you can develop a more secure attachment.
EMDR offers a powerful way to process attachment trauma. Working with both your memories and bodily sensations connected to those experiences lets you create new neural pathways in the brain. The end goal is to build more positive beliefs about yourself and your ability to form relationships.
If you recognize these patterns in your relationships, attachment trauma therapy can help you heal attachment wounds. Reach out to begin your journey towards more satisfying and purposeful relationships.