If we were to trust movie lines and song lyrics, we would all be at risk for codependency. The goal isn’t to “complete” someone or to always be there to save the day. The goal is called interdependency. What this means is seeking a healthy balance. “Needing” to be together is not a healthy balance. More likely, it could be the entry point for codependency to sneak in the back door.
Since codependency and interdependency are not concepts that are taught in school or widely discussed, we must discover the differences on our own. Ideally, you will do this via reading and research but sometimes, you have to learn as it happens.
Codependency vs. Interdependency
Codependency, on paper, may sound like you’ve found your soulmate. Meanwhile, it actually involves a marked decrease in independence as you gain more and more of your value from something external: your relationship. To keep this going, you must make unhealthy sacrifices and avoid analyzing your emotions. Codependency also shows up in trying to change your partner’s behavior. It’s not about being dependent on someone it’s about knowing proper boundaries for each of you.
Interdependency can’t happen unless both partners are independent. They make compromises instead of sacrifices and respect each other as discrete individuals. Spoiler alert: You can nurture each other without giving up your autonomy.
Here are two big steps toward creating interdependency in your relationship:
Differentiate Wants From Needs
When you “need” your partner for reassurance and attention, that’s a want. Again, if one of you has to always be available for the other, that is not a need. Interdependent partners do plenty for each other but not in a needy way. They allow each other to practice self-care and self-love and have separate lives.
Give Each Other Space
In a codependent relationship, it typically means one partner is the controller (always needing help), and the other does all the doting (doing everything for their partner). This dynamic can be challenged once you commit together to the independence described above. At first, it might feel scary to be more autonomous but, in no time, you’ll recognize how much it deepens your bond.
Can You Become More Interdependent?
The short answer, of course, is yes. Codependency is not a life sentence if you’re willing to do some inner work and embrace self-awareness. Here are some suggestions:
Communicate: This is your foundation. Codependency can only thrive when you’re not having honest, face-to-face conversations. Give each other room to be blunt and vulnerable. If you feel scared, resentful, insecure, or anything else, get it out into the open.
Socialize Together: Interdependency does not confine you to only one-on-one time at home. Get out. See friends and family. Remind each other how much fun it is to be out as a couple without always being at each other’s side.
Boundaries: Work together to discern between wants and needs. Use those guidelines to set relationship rules you both feel good about. Create boundaries and also, respect and enforce those boundaries.
Learn What Drives You First
Women come into my office trying to deal with their anxiety and unhappiness with her partner, because she often does most of the emotional heavy lifting for the relationship. It’s hard to stop that. The insidious aspect of codependency is how invisible it can seem. By the time you recognize it, some deeply embedded patterns already exist. With the help of an experienced therapist, you can learn how to identify such patterns. This positions you to dig deeper to find root causes and discover new approaches. With the help of an unbiased guide, you’ll work as a team to learn new skills that will serve you well as you move forward. Interested in reading more about Anxiety Treatment? Click the link. Connect with me to set up a consultation.