Trust is a powerful foundation for any marriage. Without it, you can never feel true safety with one another. When trust is broken, rebuilding it is one of the biggest challenges any couple will ever face. Of course, each couple brings with them a unique set of characteristics and circumstances. For example, when two Christians get married, they may view their connection in some very specific ways.
Rebuilding trust in a Christian marriage is an effort that shares similarities with any couple undertaking this task. Running parallel to these similarities are the distinct qualities that only a Christian couple will share.
Trust = Work
You may have been brought together by God but that does not exempt you from having to do the work. Building and/or rebuilding trust requires a profound shared commitment. Trust must be earned on a daily basis. Years of trust don’t mean you can take it for granted. Rather, an underlying component is a reality that you must:
Earn trust
Trust that each of you is committed to earning trust
Recognize that trust can be broken by a single act or word
If that third item has come to pass, you have your work cut out for you. However, your love, your faith, and your willingness to work can and often does help you rebuild.
How to Rebuild Trust in a Christian Marriage
Betraying Spouse
Own up to what you’ve done
Take responsibility for the damage caused
Hold yourself accountable
Show remorse
Offer an authentic apology
Create a clear plan to a) prevent such a betrayal from happening again and b) do your part in rebuilding trust
Show patience in allowing the wounded partner to process and heal before forgiving you
Betrayed Spouse
Recognize that forgiveness does not mean that you condone, justify, or forget the offense
Recognize that forgiveness does not imply trust has been rebuilt
Accept that forgiveness is nonetheless necessary in order to move forward
Free yourself from bitterness or thoughts of revenge
Leave judgment to God
Commit to discovering and addressing underlying issues
Begin the work of rebuilding the relationship
Both Spouses
Pledge to full transparency, e.g. being open about all actions and motivations
Do not allow these troubles to impact your commitment to your faith
Create a renewed commitment to God — individually and as a couple
Keep your promises — both big and small
Ease back into making plans together and use these plans as a way to practice a newfound trust and faith
Become more comfortable and familiar with the act of forgiveness
Forgiveness
As you regularly ask God for forgiveness so you must practice it in your life. As stated above, forgiving is not about condoning. But it can go a long way in releasing the burden of resentment. A few suggestions to help you along the way:
Feel what you need to feel: Never suppress your emotions in the name of making peace.
Speak with compassion: You’ll be tempted to express anger in all you say. Resist that urge.
Practice humility: Your spouse has erred and so will you.
Release the need to blame: If your spouse offered a sincere apology and you have chosen to accept it, the time has come to let go. Leave it to God as you move forward — buoyed with new experiences and new perspectives.
Commit Together to Christian Counseling
Therapy can feel daunting for a Christian couple. Will they understand us? Will they contradict the Bible? My way of counseling combines the Christian faith with the principles of psychology to better your mental health and improve your relationships. My specialty is working with individuals to help them get ready for couple’s counseling. I invite you to reach out for a free and confidential consultation to learn more. I may be able to connect you with a trusted Christian therapist. If you’re interested in finding out more about how I work, please go to my Christian Counseling page.