Can a Christian relationship be toxic?
To answer this question requires us to define two terms. Firstly, a “toxic” relationship can exist between any two people. For this post, the focus is on a married couple. For that marriage to be toxic means, it contains insecurity, instability, controlling and abusive behaviors, and more. A toxic marriage brings out the worst in the partners; typically, one is victimized.
The second term, of course, is “Christian.” Visit your nearest search engine, and this means a “person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Christianity.” Problems can arise when someone is a Christian in name only.
Some Common Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
Regardless of one’s religion, the following characteristics are red flags for any couple:
Abuse of any kind (verbal, physical, emotional, and sexual)
A relationship lacking in trust, communication, forgiveness, or accountability
Chronic disrespect
Only one of you is doing emotional labor to make things work
Hostility, raised voices, blame-shifting, and constant criticism
At least one of you is not open to feedback
At least one of us feels low self-esteem, bordering on self-hatred
Constant drama and conflict
You notice that others avoid contact with one or both of you
Over-dependency and/or codependency
Any or all of the above can happen in a Christian relationship. Wherever behaviors like this occur, it should sound like an alarm in your head. That said, here are some particular warning signs that a Christian couple must watch for:
Deception
Lying is wrong for anyone. For anyone who follows the Scriptures, it can feel especially egregious. For this reason, when a toxic Christian is caught in a lie, they tend to try:
Justifying the lies
Blaming others
Lying more to cover the first lie
They want to be devout Christians so badly that they deny reality to keep up appearances. This is a big one — big enough to be carved in stone.
Pride
When a toxic marriage is caused by one partner, that person tends to make things all about them. The connection is one-sided. Even as they dominate, they act as if they behave this way because they want to help. Call them out, and they will not even entertain the possibility of being wrong.
A toxic person is always right in their own view. Their pride will not allow them to tolerate challenges or evidence to the contrary. Keep in mind:
“The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.” (Proverbs 16:5)
“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16:18)
It is antithetical to Christian life to put your own pride before others or God.
Playing The Victim Role
All this deception and pride keep controversy swirling around the toxic person. Therefore, they are adept at playing the role of victim or martyr. This passive-aggressive tactic shifts the blame to others while trying to bring sympathy to the one who actually causes the problems.
Back to Genesis, we can find Cain trying to avoid blame for killing his brother. Later, in Proverbs 28:13, it is written: “He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” Part of fulfilling the promise of Christianity is holding yourself accountable for your own actions.
A Toxic Christian Relationship Can Be Saved
There is always room for redemption. often a person needs support before they see a couple counselor. An excellent starting point is to find a therapist that understands the tenets of Christianity who can help you sort out how the marriage is affecting you. If elements of this post resonate with you, I invite you to reach out for support for support before you go to marriage counseling. To click to read more about Christian Counseling.